I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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