Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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