god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
