My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
