i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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