They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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