we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Just cropdusted the office
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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