you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
