You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
