You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Randomize
