Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
