I feel like abortions should bother me more
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
