i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize
