Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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