giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
