Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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