Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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