The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
