That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
