No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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