Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
