my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
