god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
