i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Randomize
