My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
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