Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
