So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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