Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Randomize
