I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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