my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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