You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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