Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
pop tarts are not kleenex
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
