hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
