watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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