My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
