he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
