It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
