Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
