she woke up with a sticky ear
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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