is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
