The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
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