My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
