So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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