Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
