i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Watching her eat just hurts me
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
