My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Farmville is her only friend.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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