Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
