Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
