i just had sex bonerless
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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