dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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